Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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