Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We are all done wearing pants today
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
