Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
