made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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