3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
