Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
