4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
