I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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