Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
