Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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