omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
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