.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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