just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
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He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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