Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We are all done wearing pants today
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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