Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
