The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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