The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
