I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
