Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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