forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
