worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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