can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
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You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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