That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
