we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
