remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
