I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
