You just made me feel so damn special
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
