He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
