Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I looked at my own cervix.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
