Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
