I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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