your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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