Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The best revenge is premature balding
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
