lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
