I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
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Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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