her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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