I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
