YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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