I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
is it fun? or sober?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
