one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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