You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
