That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
