I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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