why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
