Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
