Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
