I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
