Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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