btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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