I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
