wanna go halves on a baby?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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