my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
