I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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